Dr LeCrone
05-31-2006, 12:14 PM
She didn't want them to think she didn't want to help them, but actually it was not a convenient time. She should have said no, but she found it so hard to refuse, especially if the asking party made it sound like they needed her and really wanted to. Somehow it made her feel good.
As a matter of fact, saying no had always been hard for him. Sometimes he would accept an assignment when he was already over-committed. But he had learned early on to accept all offers. To refuse was a sign of admitting that you couldn't handle everything that came your way.
Many clients have told me they just can't say no. It has been an ongoing fear of rejection, or fear that someone won't like them anymore. And afterwards they may feel resentment, may feel that they have been taken advantage of, or may simply have learned early in life that the best way to get along is to be agreeable and to respond positively to all requests, especially from those in authority.
Even saying the little two letter word may be difficult, there are ways to refuse with a little finesse.
• You may reply with an answer that will suggest a way for the person to seek help from another direction. Saying, "I really am too busy at this time to be of assistance to you, but you might consider calling someone at the temporary employment office."
Or, you might say. "I have other plans at that time. John is interested in your project and he has great ideas."
When you state your answer, do it with conviction. A half-hearted no or maybe only invites a second request and makes it more difficult to say no with finality.
• Realize that you can say no without necessarily damaging a relationship. Whether it is a request from a friend or an employer, if the person asking you is interested in your welfare they will respect your right to refuse.
• If, however, they persist in trying to persuade you, be firm. Continue to say you choose not to do it at this time. If further persistence comes forth, say quite honestly, "I would be doing myself an injustice if I chose to say yes at this time."
• If you aren't really sure you want to refuse, simply say, "I'd like to think this over and I may need more information before I make a decision."
• If saying no is something that literally gives you an anxiety attack or makes you feel guilty, you may need to rehearse. Quietly to yourself, practice. "No, I cannot help you at this time. No, my time does not permit. No, I have a full schedule. No, not now. No. No." And smile when you say it.
Always remember that taking care of your needs is a priority. The other person cannot take care of them for you. If you accept more than you can handle, you will end up fighting fatigue and resentment. It is healthy and appropriate to say no. Always saying yes does not make you a pleasing person; it may designate you as vulnerable. Honesty is the best reason for admitting to yourself that you want to say no. It is your choice. Be assertive.
At the same time, when you ask a person for something and they say no, respect their choice.
Copyright c 1993 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.
As a matter of fact, saying no had always been hard for him. Sometimes he would accept an assignment when he was already over-committed. But he had learned early on to accept all offers. To refuse was a sign of admitting that you couldn't handle everything that came your way.
Many clients have told me they just can't say no. It has been an ongoing fear of rejection, or fear that someone won't like them anymore. And afterwards they may feel resentment, may feel that they have been taken advantage of, or may simply have learned early in life that the best way to get along is to be agreeable and to respond positively to all requests, especially from those in authority.
Even saying the little two letter word may be difficult, there are ways to refuse with a little finesse.
• You may reply with an answer that will suggest a way for the person to seek help from another direction. Saying, "I really am too busy at this time to be of assistance to you, but you might consider calling someone at the temporary employment office."
Or, you might say. "I have other plans at that time. John is interested in your project and he has great ideas."
When you state your answer, do it with conviction. A half-hearted no or maybe only invites a second request and makes it more difficult to say no with finality.
• Realize that you can say no without necessarily damaging a relationship. Whether it is a request from a friend or an employer, if the person asking you is interested in your welfare they will respect your right to refuse.
• If, however, they persist in trying to persuade you, be firm. Continue to say you choose not to do it at this time. If further persistence comes forth, say quite honestly, "I would be doing myself an injustice if I chose to say yes at this time."
• If you aren't really sure you want to refuse, simply say, "I'd like to think this over and I may need more information before I make a decision."
• If saying no is something that literally gives you an anxiety attack or makes you feel guilty, you may need to rehearse. Quietly to yourself, practice. "No, I cannot help you at this time. No, my time does not permit. No, I have a full schedule. No, not now. No. No." And smile when you say it.
Always remember that taking care of your needs is a priority. The other person cannot take care of them for you. If you accept more than you can handle, you will end up fighting fatigue and resentment. It is healthy and appropriate to say no. Always saying yes does not make you a pleasing person; it may designate you as vulnerable. Honesty is the best reason for admitting to yourself that you want to say no. It is your choice. Be assertive.
At the same time, when you ask a person for something and they say no, respect their choice.
Copyright c 1993 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.