Dr LeCrone
05-21-2006, 10:25 PM
During the years of child rearing, many parents think, “If I can just get them through school, they will be able to take care of themselves,” or, “If I can just get them through college, they will be able to take care of themselves.” Some go one step further, and say, “If I can just get them established in their career or business, they will be able to take care of themselves.” And some parents never stop providing; their children remain dependent.
The goal of successful parenthood is to be the anchor and hold that anchor only until the child is ready to sail. Making the transition from dependence to independence can be smoother if parents start when the child is a toddler and teach decision-making by providing options, by maintaining support while preparing for independence.
If parents begin early to provide options for the child and allow them to make decision, they will see earlier signs of maturity and recognize and respect the child’s ability for self-reliance.
Harry was the son of a single parent. Having lost his father early in life, he shared decisions with his mother on what the budget would allow, purchasing household appliances and planning vacations and pleasurable recreation. Harry was shown several choices and taught to weight the facts before making his decision. Harry trained his children to make decision. With guidelines outlined, he provided a small allowance and discussed the fact that a small amount for recreation or for a purchased item meant a little treat. Later, he discussed the option of having a little treat today or a larger treat tomorrow. He remembered that his mother had been there for guidance and direction, but the decision became his own.
Betty was the daughter of parents who had never learned to manage time or money or to set goals. They were good wage earners, but the paycheck was spent as fast as it was earned. Betty’s mother didn’t trust her to make decisions about her clothes, hair style or makeup. As a teenager, Betty knew what and who she wanted to model, but her mother was firm and unyielding. Because she had no confidence in her own ability to decide about anything, Betty married someone who made all the decisions for her. She later said that her divorce was the first real choice she ever made.
Jim was the envy of his friends. His father supplied the cash and the automobiles and whatever he decided would make Jim happy. Jim never had a part-time job for extra spending money. He never got to choose a college, it was taken for granted he would attend his father’s alma mater. He didn’t have to find a job; it was understood he would enter the family business. Jim was an adult, but not an independent. As friends became successful in their careers and gained prestige, Jim realized he had not mastered the developmental task of self-reliance. But he vowed to teach his children step by step to earn their independence.
While holding the parental strings too tightly may feel like protection, parents are usually worrying about children making mistakes and being failures. What they don’t realize is that overprotection leads to failure, lowered self-esteem and even future estrangement with their children. Usually, children are more competent than given credit for.
Deciding what to wear to the school picnic, planning their own study time and learning to manage their time as well as deciding what courses to study in school are lessons in decision-making. Providing them with information about how to take care of themselves, how to report a fire or call an ambulance are lessons in self-reliance. It takes more parental love not to do too much than it does to overprotect. The bottom line is you are telling them you do trust their good judgment.
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1989
The goal of successful parenthood is to be the anchor and hold that anchor only until the child is ready to sail. Making the transition from dependence to independence can be smoother if parents start when the child is a toddler and teach decision-making by providing options, by maintaining support while preparing for independence.
If parents begin early to provide options for the child and allow them to make decision, they will see earlier signs of maturity and recognize and respect the child’s ability for self-reliance.
Harry was the son of a single parent. Having lost his father early in life, he shared decisions with his mother on what the budget would allow, purchasing household appliances and planning vacations and pleasurable recreation. Harry was shown several choices and taught to weight the facts before making his decision. Harry trained his children to make decision. With guidelines outlined, he provided a small allowance and discussed the fact that a small amount for recreation or for a purchased item meant a little treat. Later, he discussed the option of having a little treat today or a larger treat tomorrow. He remembered that his mother had been there for guidance and direction, but the decision became his own.
Betty was the daughter of parents who had never learned to manage time or money or to set goals. They were good wage earners, but the paycheck was spent as fast as it was earned. Betty’s mother didn’t trust her to make decisions about her clothes, hair style or makeup. As a teenager, Betty knew what and who she wanted to model, but her mother was firm and unyielding. Because she had no confidence in her own ability to decide about anything, Betty married someone who made all the decisions for her. She later said that her divorce was the first real choice she ever made.
Jim was the envy of his friends. His father supplied the cash and the automobiles and whatever he decided would make Jim happy. Jim never had a part-time job for extra spending money. He never got to choose a college, it was taken for granted he would attend his father’s alma mater. He didn’t have to find a job; it was understood he would enter the family business. Jim was an adult, but not an independent. As friends became successful in their careers and gained prestige, Jim realized he had not mastered the developmental task of self-reliance. But he vowed to teach his children step by step to earn their independence.
While holding the parental strings too tightly may feel like protection, parents are usually worrying about children making mistakes and being failures. What they don’t realize is that overprotection leads to failure, lowered self-esteem and even future estrangement with their children. Usually, children are more competent than given credit for.
Deciding what to wear to the school picnic, planning their own study time and learning to manage their time as well as deciding what courses to study in school are lessons in decision-making. Providing them with information about how to take care of themselves, how to report a fire or call an ambulance are lessons in self-reliance. It takes more parental love not to do too much than it does to overprotect. The bottom line is you are telling them you do trust their good judgment.
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1989