Dr LeCrone
05-21-2006, 10:18 PM
Growing up in a home where alcoholism is a problem usually means growing up too fast.
When children must take care of their parents because they have been drinking too much – or because they are hung-over or because they might start drinking again – their childhood becomes a kind of adulthood. These children of alcoholics feel they’ve lost the carefree attitude of their early years.
Because old habits die hard, these children still will feel a strong need to care for others when they establish their own families. In fact, they will tend to care for others to the extent that they neglect their own needs. Often they will continue in unhealthy relationships because the other person “needs” someone to take care of him or her.
This addiction to caring for others has pitfalls. The more the addicted person takes responsibility for the other person, the more he neglects his own needs.
Then resentment begins to build. A person addicted to caring feels he isn’t appreciated for his efforts, and that his advice and good will aren’t’ received as positively as he had expected.
Resentment leads to anger, and anger frightens such people. If you allow yourself to become angry at a person who needs you, then he or she might leave you and there would be no one to take care of anymore. With no one to care for, there would be no purpose in life. So the anger is quickly covered by more attempts to take even better care of the other person. And the emotional roller coaster keeps going.
What I am describing here is a style of relating to others often called the “co-dependent personality.” Co-dependency frequently results from growing up in a family in which at least one family member was dependent on drugs or alcohol.
Characteristics of the co-dependent personality are:
Feeling overly responsible for other people, including their behavior, thoughts and feelings.
Having an overwhelming need for others’ approval.
Having a tendency to be a perfectionist. If things are not perfect, the person feels he is an absolute failure.
Being fearful of intimate relationships. Fearing rejection or abandonment.
Being unsure of one’s feelings. Thinking, “I’m never sure what I really feel,” and having problems expressing those feelings to others.
Having a deep sense of shame and unworthiness. Enough is never enough, no matter how hard one tries.
Fortunately, there is a way out of this cycle. The first major step is for the co-dependent person to utilize his expert caretaking skills. And to direct them – this time – toward taking care of himself and his own needs.
Only then can he begin to find the freedom and self-respect he has sought for so long.
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1987
When children must take care of their parents because they have been drinking too much – or because they are hung-over or because they might start drinking again – their childhood becomes a kind of adulthood. These children of alcoholics feel they’ve lost the carefree attitude of their early years.
Because old habits die hard, these children still will feel a strong need to care for others when they establish their own families. In fact, they will tend to care for others to the extent that they neglect their own needs. Often they will continue in unhealthy relationships because the other person “needs” someone to take care of him or her.
This addiction to caring for others has pitfalls. The more the addicted person takes responsibility for the other person, the more he neglects his own needs.
Then resentment begins to build. A person addicted to caring feels he isn’t appreciated for his efforts, and that his advice and good will aren’t’ received as positively as he had expected.
Resentment leads to anger, and anger frightens such people. If you allow yourself to become angry at a person who needs you, then he or she might leave you and there would be no one to take care of anymore. With no one to care for, there would be no purpose in life. So the anger is quickly covered by more attempts to take even better care of the other person. And the emotional roller coaster keeps going.
What I am describing here is a style of relating to others often called the “co-dependent personality.” Co-dependency frequently results from growing up in a family in which at least one family member was dependent on drugs or alcohol.
Characteristics of the co-dependent personality are:
Feeling overly responsible for other people, including their behavior, thoughts and feelings.
Having an overwhelming need for others’ approval.
Having a tendency to be a perfectionist. If things are not perfect, the person feels he is an absolute failure.
Being fearful of intimate relationships. Fearing rejection or abandonment.
Being unsure of one’s feelings. Thinking, “I’m never sure what I really feel,” and having problems expressing those feelings to others.
Having a deep sense of shame and unworthiness. Enough is never enough, no matter how hard one tries.
Fortunately, there is a way out of this cycle. The first major step is for the co-dependent person to utilize his expert caretaking skills. And to direct them – this time – toward taking care of himself and his own needs.
Only then can he begin to find the freedom and self-respect he has sought for so long.
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1987