Dr LeCrone
05-21-2006, 10:13 PM
Helping children learn about and deal with death is important. It helps them deal with the inevitable deaths of family members, friends and others around them, and it also helps them begin to understand their own mortality. They eventually learn to accept, in a healthy way, that they are mortal.
Many of us who have children have had to deal with questions such as, “When will I die?” “Will you die and leave me?” or “Why do we have to die?”
In helping children understand the life cycle, including death, it is first important to know what the typical stages of understanding are.
• Before the age of about 2 or 3, most children studied by experts in human development do not seem to grasp the concept of death. Objects and people outside their visual field of perception seem to simply not exist.
• From age 3 to 5 or 6, the child may begin to attribute living and dying to people and things, but often sees these conditions as temporary. Many of us have observed our children playing games at this age that involve getting shot, falling down and playing dead, only to see them bounce up in a few minutes and be “alive” again. At this age, children may believe the death of a grandparent or relative is unlikely to last long.
• At some point around the age of 5 or 6 on up to age 9, most children begin to understand that death is an inevitable stage for all of us. However, this understanding usually excludes the belief that they themselves will die. Anxiety about parents or grandparents dying is sometimes noted, but children don’t grasp their own mortality. To this age group, accidents or illnesses seem to occur only when you are much older.
• Around the age of 9 or 10, most children begin to perceive death in more realistic terms.
These are approximate or average ages at which these levels of understanding occur and it should be understood that some children develop at a different pace.
Children who go into adolescence without developing a proper perspective on death are frequently characterized as extreme risk-takers. Some of their behavior – such as riding recklessly on motorcycles or using drugs – may involve some element of denial of their own mortality.
Parents often are reluctant to broach the subject of death with their children. Because of a lack of understanding on how to deal with the subject, or due to emotional conflicts over this complex subject, they may avoid the subject or brush the children off with irrelevant and inadequate responses.
This may lead to greater problems in the future. Children may develop unrealistic fears about death due to improper handling of the subject by their parents.
Next week I will discuss more of the important dos and don’ts related to death.
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1987
Many of us who have children have had to deal with questions such as, “When will I die?” “Will you die and leave me?” or “Why do we have to die?”
In helping children understand the life cycle, including death, it is first important to know what the typical stages of understanding are.
• Before the age of about 2 or 3, most children studied by experts in human development do not seem to grasp the concept of death. Objects and people outside their visual field of perception seem to simply not exist.
• From age 3 to 5 or 6, the child may begin to attribute living and dying to people and things, but often sees these conditions as temporary. Many of us have observed our children playing games at this age that involve getting shot, falling down and playing dead, only to see them bounce up in a few minutes and be “alive” again. At this age, children may believe the death of a grandparent or relative is unlikely to last long.
• At some point around the age of 5 or 6 on up to age 9, most children begin to understand that death is an inevitable stage for all of us. However, this understanding usually excludes the belief that they themselves will die. Anxiety about parents or grandparents dying is sometimes noted, but children don’t grasp their own mortality. To this age group, accidents or illnesses seem to occur only when you are much older.
• Around the age of 9 or 10, most children begin to perceive death in more realistic terms.
These are approximate or average ages at which these levels of understanding occur and it should be understood that some children develop at a different pace.
Children who go into adolescence without developing a proper perspective on death are frequently characterized as extreme risk-takers. Some of their behavior – such as riding recklessly on motorcycles or using drugs – may involve some element of denial of their own mortality.
Parents often are reluctant to broach the subject of death with their children. Because of a lack of understanding on how to deal with the subject, or due to emotional conflicts over this complex subject, they may avoid the subject or brush the children off with irrelevant and inadequate responses.
This may lead to greater problems in the future. Children may develop unrealistic fears about death due to improper handling of the subject by their parents.
Next week I will discuss more of the important dos and don’ts related to death.
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1987