Dr LeCrone
05-21-2006, 10:09 PM
Even if their parents are happily married, many children fear that divorce is inevitable. And small wonder, as television shows, movies and society in general discuss this topic and explore its ramifications.
Statistics reveal that 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce. Media announcements reveal divorce settlements of celebrities as big news.
So, with divorce a part of life, children take notice and worry it will come to their home. Several years ago a study done with sixth-grade children and their stresses showed that fear of divorce was a high stress point. It also showed that children react to their parents’ problems in different ways, depending on their age, socioeconomic background and the attitude of siblings.
Children frequently find it difficult to verbalize the anxiety they experience about the possibility of divorce for their parents. In talking with children myself, I find that often this fear is based on what they believe might become a self-fulfilling prophecy. That is to say, they worry that if they talk about the topic it might lead to the reality. Thus denial becomes a mechanism the child uses to attempt to create security.
As my own children have matured, there have been several times when the subject of divorce arose in a family discussion. Their anxiety and defense mechanisms rapidly shot up. This gave me the opportunity to talk about the subject in a healthy manner with them.
What can be done to calm the fears of children experiencing anxiety about divorce?
• Encourage children to talk about the topic instead of acting as thought it does not occur. Many times children’s fears are based on incorrect information. For example, young children sometimes incorrectly equate the loss of a parent through divorce with the loss of a parent through death. For some children these two situations seem equally frightening, but explaining the difference can lay the groundwork for a healthier understanding of loss in parental relationships.
At other times, children in adolescence may falsely equate divorce with other life changes coincidental with the divorce. Economic problems within the family or illness that may, in fact, be part of the complex situations leading to the termination of a marriage can be interpreted by some children as the sole cause of an inevitable catalyst for a divorce.
• Explain to children that disagreements between parents and even arguing does not necessarily mean the parents and even arguing does not necessarily mean the parents are contemplating a divorce. Tell them people can disagree and argue and still love each other. Parents, on the other hand, should refrain from yelling and screaming matches, especially in front of their children.
• During family discussions, topics of the future should include the entire family – husband, wife and children. These might be vacations, college plans, retirement or future grandchildren. Involvement with the whole family means security for the child.
• However, if your marriage is really in trouble and marital counseling is indicated, then ask the counselor to provide you with ways to deal with your child’s feelings.
Denying that problems in a marriage exist or that the marriage might be in trouble is not a realistic or healthy way to handle difficulties in family life. Realizing that many children worry about divorce will help parents deal with these fears in a healthy manner important for the child’s psychological and emotional growth.
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1987
Statistics reveal that 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce. Media announcements reveal divorce settlements of celebrities as big news.
So, with divorce a part of life, children take notice and worry it will come to their home. Several years ago a study done with sixth-grade children and their stresses showed that fear of divorce was a high stress point. It also showed that children react to their parents’ problems in different ways, depending on their age, socioeconomic background and the attitude of siblings.
Children frequently find it difficult to verbalize the anxiety they experience about the possibility of divorce for their parents. In talking with children myself, I find that often this fear is based on what they believe might become a self-fulfilling prophecy. That is to say, they worry that if they talk about the topic it might lead to the reality. Thus denial becomes a mechanism the child uses to attempt to create security.
As my own children have matured, there have been several times when the subject of divorce arose in a family discussion. Their anxiety and defense mechanisms rapidly shot up. This gave me the opportunity to talk about the subject in a healthy manner with them.
What can be done to calm the fears of children experiencing anxiety about divorce?
• Encourage children to talk about the topic instead of acting as thought it does not occur. Many times children’s fears are based on incorrect information. For example, young children sometimes incorrectly equate the loss of a parent through divorce with the loss of a parent through death. For some children these two situations seem equally frightening, but explaining the difference can lay the groundwork for a healthier understanding of loss in parental relationships.
At other times, children in adolescence may falsely equate divorce with other life changes coincidental with the divorce. Economic problems within the family or illness that may, in fact, be part of the complex situations leading to the termination of a marriage can be interpreted by some children as the sole cause of an inevitable catalyst for a divorce.
• Explain to children that disagreements between parents and even arguing does not necessarily mean the parents and even arguing does not necessarily mean the parents are contemplating a divorce. Tell them people can disagree and argue and still love each other. Parents, on the other hand, should refrain from yelling and screaming matches, especially in front of their children.
• During family discussions, topics of the future should include the entire family – husband, wife and children. These might be vacations, college plans, retirement or future grandchildren. Involvement with the whole family means security for the child.
• However, if your marriage is really in trouble and marital counseling is indicated, then ask the counselor to provide you with ways to deal with your child’s feelings.
Denying that problems in a marriage exist or that the marriage might be in trouble is not a realistic or healthy way to handle difficulties in family life. Realizing that many children worry about divorce will help parents deal with these fears in a healthy manner important for the child’s psychological and emotional growth.
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1987