Dr LeCrone
05-21-2006, 10:06 PM
The Jones family wanted help in communicating.
Tim agreed to family counseling because the scenario at his house was an ongoing drama of arguing. Tension and hostility were present in every family activity; he dreaded any family time together.
“The least amount of time we spend together accounts for the most harmony,” he thought.
His wife, Jan, thought the arguing had gotten out of hand and worried about the effect it had on their two sons. “But the only way an issue is brought to light is to argue about it,” she said.
The boys learned early in childhood that to get your way, you start and continue an argument. “Mom and Dad stay on our case, but if we argue long enough, they usually drop it,” they said.
What the Jones family didn’t realize was that their habit of arguing was a one-sided approach to family decisions. While arguing may have allowed them time to let off steam, it provided no interaction and no solution to any problem.
Tim and Jan came from backgrounds where their parents expressed their feelings loudly and forcefully, acting as authority figures. When a question was asked or a comment made, they started an argument, often asserting that they knew the facts and no further information was necessary.
Perhaps their parents were products of their culture and arguing is accepted differently in various cultures. In some, wives and children are submissive to the husbands and fathers; in others, opposition or strong objection may be in order.
Sometimes arguing comes from insecurity, an attempt to get in the first punch, a reminder of who is in control. Jan and Tim learned that bullying and attempting to out-argue sometimes works. They also learned that when stronger feelings are aroused violent endings can result.
Because they saw that arguing was threatening a happy relationship, they agreed to reframe their thoughts. Here are some of the things the Joneses learned:
• They needed to talk, to explore the other person’s ideas and feelings with some thought and care, with respect. They learned to listen.
• Arguing is not discussing; it is not debating. Debating is a planned and structured way of presenting information or a point of view where each side has equal time to present the facts. One side has to listen before a rebuttal can be made. The key is interaction.
• Discussions are ways families can learn about feelings and attitudes. Discussions promote family harmony by opening lines of communication. By participating in discussions, children learn problem-solving and decision-making skills as well as future parenting skills.
• Arguments can be avoided by postponing potential controversial subjects until a suitable time. If John wants the car for a date that weekend. Mom may advise him to wait until Dad has unwound from his hard day’s work. “Don’t ask him the minute he walks in the door,” she advises. “He is probably tired and hungry. Ask him later when you can discuss it.”
• Some arguments are unavoidable. When one erupts, stop before tempers flare. A little humor and a good-natured comment like, “Well, you got me this time, but I’ll win the next round,” may even be a good bottom line.
• Most arguments can be avoided when a democratic approach is taken. Express your opinions; listen to other opinions. It takes cooperation and respect to have a discussion. When one person listens and really hears what the other is saying, discussion occurs.
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1986
Tim agreed to family counseling because the scenario at his house was an ongoing drama of arguing. Tension and hostility were present in every family activity; he dreaded any family time together.
“The least amount of time we spend together accounts for the most harmony,” he thought.
His wife, Jan, thought the arguing had gotten out of hand and worried about the effect it had on their two sons. “But the only way an issue is brought to light is to argue about it,” she said.
The boys learned early in childhood that to get your way, you start and continue an argument. “Mom and Dad stay on our case, but if we argue long enough, they usually drop it,” they said.
What the Jones family didn’t realize was that their habit of arguing was a one-sided approach to family decisions. While arguing may have allowed them time to let off steam, it provided no interaction and no solution to any problem.
Tim and Jan came from backgrounds where their parents expressed their feelings loudly and forcefully, acting as authority figures. When a question was asked or a comment made, they started an argument, often asserting that they knew the facts and no further information was necessary.
Perhaps their parents were products of their culture and arguing is accepted differently in various cultures. In some, wives and children are submissive to the husbands and fathers; in others, opposition or strong objection may be in order.
Sometimes arguing comes from insecurity, an attempt to get in the first punch, a reminder of who is in control. Jan and Tim learned that bullying and attempting to out-argue sometimes works. They also learned that when stronger feelings are aroused violent endings can result.
Because they saw that arguing was threatening a happy relationship, they agreed to reframe their thoughts. Here are some of the things the Joneses learned:
• They needed to talk, to explore the other person’s ideas and feelings with some thought and care, with respect. They learned to listen.
• Arguing is not discussing; it is not debating. Debating is a planned and structured way of presenting information or a point of view where each side has equal time to present the facts. One side has to listen before a rebuttal can be made. The key is interaction.
• Discussions are ways families can learn about feelings and attitudes. Discussions promote family harmony by opening lines of communication. By participating in discussions, children learn problem-solving and decision-making skills as well as future parenting skills.
• Arguments can be avoided by postponing potential controversial subjects until a suitable time. If John wants the car for a date that weekend. Mom may advise him to wait until Dad has unwound from his hard day’s work. “Don’t ask him the minute he walks in the door,” she advises. “He is probably tired and hungry. Ask him later when you can discuss it.”
• Some arguments are unavoidable. When one erupts, stop before tempers flare. A little humor and a good-natured comment like, “Well, you got me this time, but I’ll win the next round,” may even be a good bottom line.
• Most arguments can be avoided when a democratic approach is taken. Express your opinions; listen to other opinions. It takes cooperation and respect to have a discussion. When one person listens and really hears what the other is saying, discussion occurs.
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1986