Dr LeCrone
05-21-2006, 10:01 PM
Last week I talked about improved communication by listening to your children when they indicate a need to talk about their feelings.
If you as a parent find it hard to express a response when you hear your children make a feeling remark, try to put yourself in their place and ask, “What is my child feeling at this point?” Then think of a feeling work to respond.
If the child seems upset, try to think of works that more accurately assess the upset. Use words like angry, anxious, discouraged, guilty, hopeless, inadequate, miserable, sad, worried. Or if the child is happy, think of feeling words like appreciated, capable, confident, encouraged, good, great, respected, satisfied.
Susie says: I’ll be glad when day camp is over. It’s so stupid.
Parent: You seem to be saying it’s not fun because you are bored.
Susie: I sure am. I’ve colored all the pictures in my book and now I have to sit there and color some other dumb stuff.
The parent continues to keep the feelings flowing and hopes to help the child find a solution to her disinterest in the camp.
This may seem like oversimplification, but the point is to keep the role of the listener in mind and to try to tune in to the child’s feelings. Don’t scold, laugh or sympathize. Remember that feelings must be expressed, not repressed.
Tome didn’t make the football squad.
Parent initiates the conversation with: You seem to be saying you are discouraged and feel like giving up.
Tom: After all I went through; I guess I’m just not good enough.
The conversation continues as Tom expresses his deep hurt and disappointment.
Alan called Mary for a date. But she didn’t accept. Alan felt really down.
Parent says: You seem to be very disappointed about Ann. Alan says he feels rejected and lonely. His self-esteem is low.
One word of caution about reflective listening. Make sure that as the child matures and you, the parent, become more skillful that the expression of feelings becomes a mutual time of problem solving. Don’t respond to every frown or comment. With sensitivity, you can recognize when your child wants to talk and when he does not. Allowing a child to have some privacy is important.
And remember that teen-agers are having new feelings. As they stretch toward adulthood they may be reluctant to verbalize these feelings, or they may want to test the parent to see if they share those feelings or have every experienced them. Sharing feelings about the opposite sex is an area of great concern to teen-agers.
Poor communication may be a problem many families admit to having. But it is one that is correctable. And with its correction, improved relationships with other family members is usually a dividend. Share those feelings and happy listening.
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1985
If you as a parent find it hard to express a response when you hear your children make a feeling remark, try to put yourself in their place and ask, “What is my child feeling at this point?” Then think of a feeling work to respond.
If the child seems upset, try to think of works that more accurately assess the upset. Use words like angry, anxious, discouraged, guilty, hopeless, inadequate, miserable, sad, worried. Or if the child is happy, think of feeling words like appreciated, capable, confident, encouraged, good, great, respected, satisfied.
Susie says: I’ll be glad when day camp is over. It’s so stupid.
Parent: You seem to be saying it’s not fun because you are bored.
Susie: I sure am. I’ve colored all the pictures in my book and now I have to sit there and color some other dumb stuff.
The parent continues to keep the feelings flowing and hopes to help the child find a solution to her disinterest in the camp.
This may seem like oversimplification, but the point is to keep the role of the listener in mind and to try to tune in to the child’s feelings. Don’t scold, laugh or sympathize. Remember that feelings must be expressed, not repressed.
Tome didn’t make the football squad.
Parent initiates the conversation with: You seem to be saying you are discouraged and feel like giving up.
Tom: After all I went through; I guess I’m just not good enough.
The conversation continues as Tom expresses his deep hurt and disappointment.
Alan called Mary for a date. But she didn’t accept. Alan felt really down.
Parent says: You seem to be very disappointed about Ann. Alan says he feels rejected and lonely. His self-esteem is low.
One word of caution about reflective listening. Make sure that as the child matures and you, the parent, become more skillful that the expression of feelings becomes a mutual time of problem solving. Don’t respond to every frown or comment. With sensitivity, you can recognize when your child wants to talk and when he does not. Allowing a child to have some privacy is important.
And remember that teen-agers are having new feelings. As they stretch toward adulthood they may be reluctant to verbalize these feelings, or they may want to test the parent to see if they share those feelings or have every experienced them. Sharing feelings about the opposite sex is an area of great concern to teen-agers.
Poor communication may be a problem many families admit to having. But it is one that is correctable. And with its correction, improved relationships with other family members is usually a dividend. Share those feelings and happy listening.
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1985