Dr LeCrone
05-21-2006, 10:00 PM
How many times have you said, “I can’t talk to my own child anymore.” Parents often tell me that every conversation with their children is frustrating and usually ends with angry, hurt feelings and silence.
They may be talking too much and not listening enough. And often is their conception of their role as “the authoritative parent” that blocks good communication. As parents, we feel that we need to have an immediate answer for everything and to impose that answer on our children.
In reality, we need to listen and teach them to express their feelings and work toward solving their problems. Parents need to treat their children with the same respect and consideration they extend to friends and colleagues. In fact, if some parents communicated with their friends the same way they communicate with their children, friendships would deteriorate.
What I am saying is, you are willing to listen to your friends and let them express their feelings. But when your child wants to express feelings of anger, rejection, or even of sheer happiness, you as a parent find it difficult to be a good listener and even more difficult to respond with appropriate words.
Listening and responding to feelings may not change the communication pattern immediately, but practice and patience will certainly lead to progress.
Johnny was mad because he couldn’t go to the park with his new neighborhood playmate. The parent’s response might be, “You seem to be angry because you can’t go.” And his reply might be, “Yeah, that’s right.” You might open the pattern of listening and communicating by saying, “Would you like to tell me more about it?”
Johnny: You never let me do anything that is fun.
Parent: You seem to feel that I am unfair.
Johnny: You sure are, you treat me like a 2 year old.
Parent: You seem to be saying I don’t trust you.
Johnny: I hate it when you don’t let me go with the big guys.
At this point the parent may keep the conversation going by allowing the child to express all his hurt feelings or until his tone and behavior signal a time to stop. Then by simple problem solving Johnny may see that the ball park with a new friend in an unsupervised situation could be dangerous and threatening. He may suggest, or you may suggest, that he invite his friend to go to the Little League game with you and dad.
Not all problems are solved during the listening stage, but the communication will improve and the child will begin to learn problem solving techniques that he can practice on his own.
At all stages of child development – from toddler to teen-ager – children can be taught to work through their problems if they have a good listener who will allow them to express their feelings. And it is important to teach them that feelings are OK and should be expressed. Many parents were taught that feelings of anger, disappointment and fear were wrong and should not be brought out only to be told, “Hush, you shouldn’t say that.” Or to admit to being afraid only to be ridiculed.
There is nothing wrong in listening to a child’s feelings; it is their actions that may be in need of correction. Next week we will talk more about listening and improving ways of talking with our children.
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1985
They may be talking too much and not listening enough. And often is their conception of their role as “the authoritative parent” that blocks good communication. As parents, we feel that we need to have an immediate answer for everything and to impose that answer on our children.
In reality, we need to listen and teach them to express their feelings and work toward solving their problems. Parents need to treat their children with the same respect and consideration they extend to friends and colleagues. In fact, if some parents communicated with their friends the same way they communicate with their children, friendships would deteriorate.
What I am saying is, you are willing to listen to your friends and let them express their feelings. But when your child wants to express feelings of anger, rejection, or even of sheer happiness, you as a parent find it difficult to be a good listener and even more difficult to respond with appropriate words.
Listening and responding to feelings may not change the communication pattern immediately, but practice and patience will certainly lead to progress.
Johnny was mad because he couldn’t go to the park with his new neighborhood playmate. The parent’s response might be, “You seem to be angry because you can’t go.” And his reply might be, “Yeah, that’s right.” You might open the pattern of listening and communicating by saying, “Would you like to tell me more about it?”
Johnny: You never let me do anything that is fun.
Parent: You seem to feel that I am unfair.
Johnny: You sure are, you treat me like a 2 year old.
Parent: You seem to be saying I don’t trust you.
Johnny: I hate it when you don’t let me go with the big guys.
At this point the parent may keep the conversation going by allowing the child to express all his hurt feelings or until his tone and behavior signal a time to stop. Then by simple problem solving Johnny may see that the ball park with a new friend in an unsupervised situation could be dangerous and threatening. He may suggest, or you may suggest, that he invite his friend to go to the Little League game with you and dad.
Not all problems are solved during the listening stage, but the communication will improve and the child will begin to learn problem solving techniques that he can practice on his own.
At all stages of child development – from toddler to teen-ager – children can be taught to work through their problems if they have a good listener who will allow them to express their feelings. And it is important to teach them that feelings are OK and should be expressed. Many parents were taught that feelings of anger, disappointment and fear were wrong and should not be brought out only to be told, “Hush, you shouldn’t say that.” Or to admit to being afraid only to be ridiculed.
There is nothing wrong in listening to a child’s feelings; it is their actions that may be in need of correction. Next week we will talk more about listening and improving ways of talking with our children.
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1985