Dr LeCrone
05-21-2006, 09:48 PM
Last week this column focused on one of the more challenging aspects of establishing a stepfamily – step parenting. Although there are many different combinations of stepfamilies, regardless of its unique makeup they have some common problem areas.
A key issue in stepfamilies is one of loyalty. Children and some biological parents tend to retain a part of the customs and traditions of the past family life. This desire to hang onto some semblance of the previous family can put the natural parent in the middle between the desire to begin a new family with a new partner and a new lifestyle, and a wish to be responsive to past alliances such as old friends, ex-in-laws and children.
Another area of concern is that of discipline. While children are getting acquainted with stepsiblings, adjusting to two households, and establishing a relationship with a stepparent, acting out behavior is not unusual. Children often hold fantasies that their parents may reunite. At times they may behave in a manner that places the natural parent and the stepparent at odds with each other. Discipline is often further complicated by the desire of the natural parent to involve the stepparent in the parenting process and wish that the stepparent may have to support the natural parent by sharing some of the burden of child rearing. The difficulty with discipline in stepfamilies lies in part in the fact that effective discipline is brought about by a positive parent-child relationship and the child’s desire to identify with the parent. In many stepfamilies, the family members are thrown together without having had adequate time to develop positive attitudes toward each other, with resulting problems in discipline.
Unrealistic expectations involve the fantasy of “instant love” whereby all members of the stepfamily establish a warm, affectionate and caring relationship within the first few months of living together. Stepmothers tend to be especially susceptible to self-imposed pressure to quickly create a loving family atmosphere. Unrealistic expectations contribute to money problems. Child support and/or alimony payments may affect the stepfamily’s ability to continue living a former lifestyle. Without good communication and understanding, financial troubles can contribute to frustration and distance between partners.
To improve relationships, here are some recommendations:
Establish flexible boundaries. Children may need to move between two households. The successful stepfamily allows members to contact ex-spouses and ex-grandparents and visit in the biological parent’s home without creating questions of loyalty.
Define roles within the stepfamily. The husband and wife should engage in continual discussions of their expectations and roles. Each child must redefine himself in the new unit. Each child should have his own place in the family. Parents can aid in this role by recognizing the role the child held in the previous family, and then allowing adequate time for the child to feel comfortable and secure in the “new” family unit.
Develop effective communication. Openly discuss differences in lifestyle and customs of the past, including spouse. Have open discussions about the possible anger of having to adjust to a new family, love that may take a long time to grow between stepparents and stepchildren or between stepsiblings, and guilt on the part of the parent for “causing” pain to their children. Talk about a child’s fear that the current family may dissolve as did the previous family.
Stepfamilies can be a strong, viable family unit. Like any family, they require cooperation, trust and respect for all members.
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1984
A key issue in stepfamilies is one of loyalty. Children and some biological parents tend to retain a part of the customs and traditions of the past family life. This desire to hang onto some semblance of the previous family can put the natural parent in the middle between the desire to begin a new family with a new partner and a new lifestyle, and a wish to be responsive to past alliances such as old friends, ex-in-laws and children.
Another area of concern is that of discipline. While children are getting acquainted with stepsiblings, adjusting to two households, and establishing a relationship with a stepparent, acting out behavior is not unusual. Children often hold fantasies that their parents may reunite. At times they may behave in a manner that places the natural parent and the stepparent at odds with each other. Discipline is often further complicated by the desire of the natural parent to involve the stepparent in the parenting process and wish that the stepparent may have to support the natural parent by sharing some of the burden of child rearing. The difficulty with discipline in stepfamilies lies in part in the fact that effective discipline is brought about by a positive parent-child relationship and the child’s desire to identify with the parent. In many stepfamilies, the family members are thrown together without having had adequate time to develop positive attitudes toward each other, with resulting problems in discipline.
Unrealistic expectations involve the fantasy of “instant love” whereby all members of the stepfamily establish a warm, affectionate and caring relationship within the first few months of living together. Stepmothers tend to be especially susceptible to self-imposed pressure to quickly create a loving family atmosphere. Unrealistic expectations contribute to money problems. Child support and/or alimony payments may affect the stepfamily’s ability to continue living a former lifestyle. Without good communication and understanding, financial troubles can contribute to frustration and distance between partners.
To improve relationships, here are some recommendations:
Establish flexible boundaries. Children may need to move between two households. The successful stepfamily allows members to contact ex-spouses and ex-grandparents and visit in the biological parent’s home without creating questions of loyalty.
Define roles within the stepfamily. The husband and wife should engage in continual discussions of their expectations and roles. Each child must redefine himself in the new unit. Each child should have his own place in the family. Parents can aid in this role by recognizing the role the child held in the previous family, and then allowing adequate time for the child to feel comfortable and secure in the “new” family unit.
Develop effective communication. Openly discuss differences in lifestyle and customs of the past, including spouse. Have open discussions about the possible anger of having to adjust to a new family, love that may take a long time to grow between stepparents and stepchildren or between stepsiblings, and guilt on the part of the parent for “causing” pain to their children. Talk about a child’s fear that the current family may dissolve as did the previous family.
Stepfamilies can be a strong, viable family unit. Like any family, they require cooperation, trust and respect for all members.
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1984