Dr LeCrone
05-21-2006, 09:47 PM
When Helen and Ron divorced, Helen was devastated. She had wanted to discuss their problems, had pleaded with Ron to go with her to see a counselor. But Ron refused. In fact, Ron told Helen that he felt criticized by her all the time and usually stayed silent to avoid a fight.
This silence grew into a complete communication breakdown, ending in divorce.
With primary custody of their two children, a son 10 and a daughter 7, Helen set about the business of rebuilding her life. Then she met Alan. He was sensitive, intelligent, successful and communicative. The relationship flourished; marriage came into the picture.
Alan’s first wife and left him and their 9-year-old daughter some three years before Helen came into his life. He seemed to want the same things that Helen wanted – a close family, typified by positive communication, mutual support in the parenting process, and unconditional love and acceptance among family members.
Helen had high hopes that Alan not only would be a loving, and sensitive partner, but a strong and supportive father figure for her two children. Alan fully expected that the beautiful and exciting woman he was to marry also would be an affirming role model for his daughter. It was going to be perfect.
In many ways it was – except for parenting. Helen had not anticipated the irritation she felt toward Alan’s daughter. What made it harder was Alan’s insistence that his daughter loved Helen. He didn’t understand why Helen had difficulty feeling close to her.
On the other hand, Alan felt that Helen was too lenient with her two children and that he had responsibility to get them “to toe the line.” Caught in the middle between Alan and her children, Helen developed resentment for Alan because of his seemingly overly critical attitude toward her children.
Helen and Alan were experiencing one of the most frequently reported areas of difficulty in stepfamilies – step parenting.
Stepfamilies include families in which children live with a natural parent and a stepparent, families in which children visit with their remarried parent and stepparent, and families in which the couple isn’t married and children from a previous marriage either live with or visit the couple, which includes one of their natural parents.
Recent statistics reveal that more than 15 million children under 18 live in stepfamilies. More than 25 million husbands and wives are stepparents. In spite of the virtual explosion of information addressing almost every area of family life, a scarcity of material exists for establishing a successful stepfamily.
The image that is portrayed of stepfamilies in literature, movies and fairy tales is often that of a cruel stepmother or stepfather and neglected stepchild. Too often the conscientious stepparent hears, “well, you know what you were getting into,” when family concerns are voiced.
The negative cultural stereotype and the perception that others would not understand the difficulties of stepfamilies frequently contributes to silence on the parent of stepparents and the invisibility of stepfamilies.
Stepfamilies represent the efforts of two parents to establish a healthy and loving marriage and homelife. When a parent is happy, the child will pick it up and gain a greater sense of security. A happy and positive parent is a more effective parent.
A stepfamily, then, offers the opportunity for a healing of past hurts and the hope that in starting over, warm positive relationships can be formed that can provide a source of encouragement and support for each family member.
Next week we will discuss several of the more common problems encountered in stepfamilies and recommend some steps for improving relationships in families. With mutual agreement and definite guidelines, stepfamilies like that of Helen and Alan can succeed.
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1984
This silence grew into a complete communication breakdown, ending in divorce.
With primary custody of their two children, a son 10 and a daughter 7, Helen set about the business of rebuilding her life. Then she met Alan. He was sensitive, intelligent, successful and communicative. The relationship flourished; marriage came into the picture.
Alan’s first wife and left him and their 9-year-old daughter some three years before Helen came into his life. He seemed to want the same things that Helen wanted – a close family, typified by positive communication, mutual support in the parenting process, and unconditional love and acceptance among family members.
Helen had high hopes that Alan not only would be a loving, and sensitive partner, but a strong and supportive father figure for her two children. Alan fully expected that the beautiful and exciting woman he was to marry also would be an affirming role model for his daughter. It was going to be perfect.
In many ways it was – except for parenting. Helen had not anticipated the irritation she felt toward Alan’s daughter. What made it harder was Alan’s insistence that his daughter loved Helen. He didn’t understand why Helen had difficulty feeling close to her.
On the other hand, Alan felt that Helen was too lenient with her two children and that he had responsibility to get them “to toe the line.” Caught in the middle between Alan and her children, Helen developed resentment for Alan because of his seemingly overly critical attitude toward her children.
Helen and Alan were experiencing one of the most frequently reported areas of difficulty in stepfamilies – step parenting.
Stepfamilies include families in which children live with a natural parent and a stepparent, families in which children visit with their remarried parent and stepparent, and families in which the couple isn’t married and children from a previous marriage either live with or visit the couple, which includes one of their natural parents.
Recent statistics reveal that more than 15 million children under 18 live in stepfamilies. More than 25 million husbands and wives are stepparents. In spite of the virtual explosion of information addressing almost every area of family life, a scarcity of material exists for establishing a successful stepfamily.
The image that is portrayed of stepfamilies in literature, movies and fairy tales is often that of a cruel stepmother or stepfather and neglected stepchild. Too often the conscientious stepparent hears, “well, you know what you were getting into,” when family concerns are voiced.
The negative cultural stereotype and the perception that others would not understand the difficulties of stepfamilies frequently contributes to silence on the parent of stepparents and the invisibility of stepfamilies.
Stepfamilies represent the efforts of two parents to establish a healthy and loving marriage and homelife. When a parent is happy, the child will pick it up and gain a greater sense of security. A happy and positive parent is a more effective parent.
A stepfamily, then, offers the opportunity for a healing of past hurts and the hope that in starting over, warm positive relationships can be formed that can provide a source of encouragement and support for each family member.
Next week we will discuss several of the more common problems encountered in stepfamilies and recommend some steps for improving relationships in families. With mutual agreement and definite guidelines, stepfamilies like that of Helen and Alan can succeed.
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1984