Dr LeCrone
04-20-2006, 02:43 PM
A common psychological problem facing us in daily situations arose recently when my wife and I were dining with friends in a restaurant in another city.
When the waiter arrived my friend ordered a steak from the menu, specifying that it be prepared rare. Much to his disappointment, when the steak was served my friend found that it was very well done. He immediately faced a dilemma: should he simply eat the steak and not enjoy it, while risking letting his disappointment turn to mild anger? Or should he request that the waiter return the steak and bring home another prepared the way he had ordered?
Many of us face similar dilemmas in a variety of situations and ponder our reactions. If we strive for harmony at all costs too often we let the situation ride and do nothing. If we react too strongly we face discord in future relations. Consider these examples.
• Have you ordered something from a catalog and were shipped the wrong size or color?
• Have you taken your automobile in for repairs, paid the bill and driven away only to discover the work was not done properly?
• When you were a student, was your examination paper returned with an error in the scoring, giving you a grade lower than you actually made?
• Have you ever discovered an error on your bank statement, or been given the wrong amount of change after making a purchase?
All of these situations can lead to frustration, hostility and stress if they are improperly handled.
Back to my friend and his steak, there were three basic ways he could have handled his situation.
• He could have been non-assertive. He would have eaten the meal as prepared, but probably harbored his resentment or even anger about paying for something he didn’t order and didn’t enjoy. This reaction frequently leads to the individual later taking out his anger on someone else, or bottling it up inside and gnawing away at his self-esteem.
• He could have been aggressive. He could have caused a scene with the waiter, even throwing a tantrum and making everyone in the vicinity feel uncomfortable. Or he could have said nothing, not eaten the meal and refused to pay for it, which also would have been ineffective and even embarrassing to his friends.
• Or he could have been assertive. In a quiet manner he could have informed the waiter that he had ordered a rare steak and requested that the one given him he returned and be replaced with one prepared as he had requested.
Being assertive requires skilled practice. But it is worth the effort as it yields many healthy and positive results.
One of the best ways I have found to practice assertive training is to role play with a friend. Use situations from the past, making responses and encouraging your friends to make responses which might have changed the outcome.
If being assertive is new to you, you may find it produces some anxiety and uncomfortable feelings in the beginning. You may want to replay the situation in your own mind several times. Practice trying to be relaxed, maintain good eye contact and state your desire in a clear concise manner. Try to keep your emotions out of it. After a short while, most people find that assertive behavior gets easier and the end result makes them feel better about themselves and leads to a healthier pattern of communication.
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1989
When the waiter arrived my friend ordered a steak from the menu, specifying that it be prepared rare. Much to his disappointment, when the steak was served my friend found that it was very well done. He immediately faced a dilemma: should he simply eat the steak and not enjoy it, while risking letting his disappointment turn to mild anger? Or should he request that the waiter return the steak and bring home another prepared the way he had ordered?
Many of us face similar dilemmas in a variety of situations and ponder our reactions. If we strive for harmony at all costs too often we let the situation ride and do nothing. If we react too strongly we face discord in future relations. Consider these examples.
• Have you ordered something from a catalog and were shipped the wrong size or color?
• Have you taken your automobile in for repairs, paid the bill and driven away only to discover the work was not done properly?
• When you were a student, was your examination paper returned with an error in the scoring, giving you a grade lower than you actually made?
• Have you ever discovered an error on your bank statement, or been given the wrong amount of change after making a purchase?
All of these situations can lead to frustration, hostility and stress if they are improperly handled.
Back to my friend and his steak, there were three basic ways he could have handled his situation.
• He could have been non-assertive. He would have eaten the meal as prepared, but probably harbored his resentment or even anger about paying for something he didn’t order and didn’t enjoy. This reaction frequently leads to the individual later taking out his anger on someone else, or bottling it up inside and gnawing away at his self-esteem.
• He could have been aggressive. He could have caused a scene with the waiter, even throwing a tantrum and making everyone in the vicinity feel uncomfortable. Or he could have said nothing, not eaten the meal and refused to pay for it, which also would have been ineffective and even embarrassing to his friends.
• Or he could have been assertive. In a quiet manner he could have informed the waiter that he had ordered a rare steak and requested that the one given him he returned and be replaced with one prepared as he had requested.
Being assertive requires skilled practice. But it is worth the effort as it yields many healthy and positive results.
One of the best ways I have found to practice assertive training is to role play with a friend. Use situations from the past, making responses and encouraging your friends to make responses which might have changed the outcome.
If being assertive is new to you, you may find it produces some anxiety and uncomfortable feelings in the beginning. You may want to replay the situation in your own mind several times. Practice trying to be relaxed, maintain good eye contact and state your desire in a clear concise manner. Try to keep your emotions out of it. After a short while, most people find that assertive behavior gets easier and the end result makes them feel better about themselves and leads to a healthier pattern of communication.
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1989