Dr LeCrone
03-30-2006, 12:48 PM
Nearly everyone learned at some childhood point to act in a certain way to get something they wanted or to compensate for something. Many people carry these learned behaviors into adult life, thinking they will continue to accomplish the same results. They don’t realize that in doing so, they are depriving themselves of success or accomplishment.
As a child, Mary could never please her father. He seemed to criticize or yell at her for everything she did, good or bad. To compensate, she learned to play helpless. If she acted as if she was unable to accomplish the task, her parents wouldn’t criticize. Unfortunately, Mary continued this helpless act long after she had reached adulthood and a time to assume responsibility and take charge of her own life. Mary would not attempt new duties in her work place. She pretended she was content with the position she held when actually she was not reaching her potential.
Mary’s mother always tried to avoid conflicts; so she shielded Mary by doing tasks for her. She did not realize she was inhibiting Mary and depriving her the right to try and fail, to gain self-confidence by finding success through trial and error. Mary was an underachiever.
Tom was intelligent and gifted, born to parents who tried to provide everything for him that they had been denied. Tom’s father established a business with one goal in mind, to pass it on to his son. Both parents frequently reminded Tom that they had done it all for him and that they expected him to assume the business and look after them in their old age.
When Tom discovered he had an aptitude for design and engineering, he wanted to change his major from business administration, but his parents became too upset. By this time, Tom had lost his drive and learned to fear success. After the death of his father, Tom should have begun to make decisions on his own, but without his father’s dominance and advice, Tom never reached his potential. Instead, he settled for a plan where he was merely safe. He settled for mediocrity; a guarantee, he thought, for experiencing neither success nor failure.
Tony was the child of unhappy parents who nagged at him constantly, even blaming him for many of their trials and misfortunes. After their tirades they would show him love and sympathy. He began putting himself down, choosing to always feel like a martyr, depriving himself of joys and pleasure in order to please them. Tony’s behavior continued in his life, causing him to choose the part of the silent sufferer in order to get love or sympathy in order to get love or sympathy for his wife. He could never be assertive, to say, “This is what I want.” Instead, he always asked her to choose and humbly ate the leftover crumbs.
His sacrifices made him feel that being a martyr, suffering over little disappointments, would guarantee her love and provide him with a sympathy and understanding.
We all have mannerisms and reactions that show a learned behavior, a hangover from childhood, but we can begin to correct them by asking ourselves:
• Is this what I really want?
• What excuses am I making to myself?
• Am I really being truthful to myself?
We may ask trusted friends for honest criticism, knowing that when we do we must be willing to accept both the good and the bad of their candid critique.
When we see ourselves as others see us, then we can forge ahead and start taking charge of our lives. Acting helpless, underachieving, fearing success and playing the martyr are learned behaviors that only hurt us.
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1989
As a child, Mary could never please her father. He seemed to criticize or yell at her for everything she did, good or bad. To compensate, she learned to play helpless. If she acted as if she was unable to accomplish the task, her parents wouldn’t criticize. Unfortunately, Mary continued this helpless act long after she had reached adulthood and a time to assume responsibility and take charge of her own life. Mary would not attempt new duties in her work place. She pretended she was content with the position she held when actually she was not reaching her potential.
Mary’s mother always tried to avoid conflicts; so she shielded Mary by doing tasks for her. She did not realize she was inhibiting Mary and depriving her the right to try and fail, to gain self-confidence by finding success through trial and error. Mary was an underachiever.
Tom was intelligent and gifted, born to parents who tried to provide everything for him that they had been denied. Tom’s father established a business with one goal in mind, to pass it on to his son. Both parents frequently reminded Tom that they had done it all for him and that they expected him to assume the business and look after them in their old age.
When Tom discovered he had an aptitude for design and engineering, he wanted to change his major from business administration, but his parents became too upset. By this time, Tom had lost his drive and learned to fear success. After the death of his father, Tom should have begun to make decisions on his own, but without his father’s dominance and advice, Tom never reached his potential. Instead, he settled for a plan where he was merely safe. He settled for mediocrity; a guarantee, he thought, for experiencing neither success nor failure.
Tony was the child of unhappy parents who nagged at him constantly, even blaming him for many of their trials and misfortunes. After their tirades they would show him love and sympathy. He began putting himself down, choosing to always feel like a martyr, depriving himself of joys and pleasure in order to please them. Tony’s behavior continued in his life, causing him to choose the part of the silent sufferer in order to get love or sympathy in order to get love or sympathy for his wife. He could never be assertive, to say, “This is what I want.” Instead, he always asked her to choose and humbly ate the leftover crumbs.
His sacrifices made him feel that being a martyr, suffering over little disappointments, would guarantee her love and provide him with a sympathy and understanding.
We all have mannerisms and reactions that show a learned behavior, a hangover from childhood, but we can begin to correct them by asking ourselves:
• Is this what I really want?
• What excuses am I making to myself?
• Am I really being truthful to myself?
We may ask trusted friends for honest criticism, knowing that when we do we must be willing to accept both the good and the bad of their candid critique.
When we see ourselves as others see us, then we can forge ahead and start taking charge of our lives. Acting helpless, underachieving, fearing success and playing the martyr are learned behaviors that only hurt us.
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1989