Dr LeCrone
03-30-2006, 12:47 PM
Mary still suffered from a hurt endured many months ago. Although she told herself that in time she would forget, she felt she could never forgive. The experience haunts her.
Tom thought about a friend who had hurt him so deeply he considered it a betrayal of trust and confidence. The anger he still felt after a long period of time had affected his life to the point he felt his personality had changed. He began to distrust other friends. He tried to understand and to be untried to understand and to be understanding, always telling himself that he would forgive, but that he could never forget.
Both Tom and Mary have experienced pain, a life experience that requires a plan for recovery.
First, they need to really try to forgive and forget. If Mary chooses to forget only, the anger and the pain will return and the cycle will persist. If Tom chooses to forgive and does not forget, he cannot get on with his life as effectively.
They need to get rid of all thoughts of revenge.
Then they need to take the first step toward an apology or reconciliation.
They need, however, to wait until the time is right. If both sides are still angry and surface feelings are showing, the attempt at forgiveness may be unsuccessful. They should get rid of their anger by discussing it with a trusted third party.
They might try listing and numbering their feelings, a healing experience for anyone in pain and anger. The first list is one of all the feelings produced by the experience. The second list is one of the actions that caused the feelings. The next step is to match the two lists, striking off each feeling with a corresponding action, one at a time, until you have dealt with each action and each feeling. Some actions may have produced more than one feeling.
Realize that the relationship may be changed in the future. You may never have the same warm friendship you once enjoyed. Tom may never enjoy golfing with his friend again or may never enter into anther business venture with him. Mary may never feel the same way romantically toward her friend, but she can maintain another realm of friendship. Because life moves forward, an injured person may be unable or no longer wish to recapture the past and should settle for contentment, peace of mind and a new purpose.
Both parties need forgiveness at some time. Because you were the victim this time does not mean you have always been a saint or that you will not in the future be the perpetrator and not, the victim.
Dont listen to others who may remind you that you were severely hurt. Smile and say that life is short and time moves swiftly. You arent going to waste time taking care of the errors of the past.
Then congratulate yourself. You have done yourself the greatest favor.
You have forgiven and forgotten.
This important topic relates to our relationships business, family and social relationships. I will return to it again in future columns.
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1989
Tom thought about a friend who had hurt him so deeply he considered it a betrayal of trust and confidence. The anger he still felt after a long period of time had affected his life to the point he felt his personality had changed. He began to distrust other friends. He tried to understand and to be untried to understand and to be understanding, always telling himself that he would forgive, but that he could never forget.
Both Tom and Mary have experienced pain, a life experience that requires a plan for recovery.
First, they need to really try to forgive and forget. If Mary chooses to forget only, the anger and the pain will return and the cycle will persist. If Tom chooses to forgive and does not forget, he cannot get on with his life as effectively.
They need to get rid of all thoughts of revenge.
Then they need to take the first step toward an apology or reconciliation.
They need, however, to wait until the time is right. If both sides are still angry and surface feelings are showing, the attempt at forgiveness may be unsuccessful. They should get rid of their anger by discussing it with a trusted third party.
They might try listing and numbering their feelings, a healing experience for anyone in pain and anger. The first list is one of all the feelings produced by the experience. The second list is one of the actions that caused the feelings. The next step is to match the two lists, striking off each feeling with a corresponding action, one at a time, until you have dealt with each action and each feeling. Some actions may have produced more than one feeling.
Realize that the relationship may be changed in the future. You may never have the same warm friendship you once enjoyed. Tom may never enjoy golfing with his friend again or may never enter into anther business venture with him. Mary may never feel the same way romantically toward her friend, but she can maintain another realm of friendship. Because life moves forward, an injured person may be unable or no longer wish to recapture the past and should settle for contentment, peace of mind and a new purpose.
Both parties need forgiveness at some time. Because you were the victim this time does not mean you have always been a saint or that you will not in the future be the perpetrator and not, the victim.
Dont listen to others who may remind you that you were severely hurt. Smile and say that life is short and time moves swiftly. You arent going to waste time taking care of the errors of the past.
Then congratulate yourself. You have done yourself the greatest favor.
You have forgiven and forgotten.
This important topic relates to our relationships business, family and social relationships. I will return to it again in future columns.
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1989