Dr LeCrone
03-24-2006, 02:59 PM
For the third time in one week, Sally’s boss asked her to stay late and finish a letter given her just minutes before regular office closing time. Sally really likes her job and didn’t mind occasionally working late or doing something above and beyond the call of duty. However, a pattern was developing which she hadn’t bargained for when she took the job. Her family responsibilities after work hours necessitated her leaving at or near the five o’clock closing time. She had to pick up one of her children from the nursery, get home and get supper for the family. Al of this took a lot of coordination and staying on schedule.
When Sally told her husband of the problem, he said, “Just let the old so and so have it. He’s just trying to take advantage of you, and you need to tell him off.” Sally really didn’t believe that this was the right approach, but she didn’t know exactly what she would say to her boss. So, she said nothing. The result was that she steadily became more and more angry and began to resent the whole job.
John was having a problem too. He went to the store during his lunch hour to purchase an item. He knew exactly what he needed, found it quickly, and went to the department with money in hand. A clerk was waiting on another customer and John had to wait. As the minutes ticked off he became aware that he was going to be late for work if the clerk didn’t wait on him very soon. When the clerk finished with the customers, John breathed a sigh of relief. When the clerk approached him, however, another customer had arrived. Perhaps the clerk though they had both been there all the time, and waited on the other customer. John stood there fuming and thinking to himself, “I was here first, I’m in a hurry and have been waiting several minutes. Why didn’t the clerk notice this and wait on me first?” His anger steadily built until he finally put the wanted item down and hurried away, his anger now having reached explosive proportions.
These situations produce what psychologists call “ordinary anger.” John and Sally’s reluctance to cope with the situation by stating how they felt in an appropriate fashion caused them to feel angry. When this anger occurs in a variety of situations day after day it gradually builds up and begins to take the form of depression. When we become frustrated for not asserting ourselves in an appropriate fashion, then frustration and resulting anger turns inward on ourselves, taking the form of depression.
Assertive behavior is standing up for one’s self in such a way that one does not violate the basic rights of another person. It’s a direct, honest and appropriate expression of one’s feelings and opinions. Non-assertive behavior, on the other hand, is failing to stand up for one’s self, or standing up for one’s self in such an ineffective manner that one’s rights are easily violated. The opposite extreme of being nonassertive is being aggressive.
Aggression is characterized by standing up for one’s self in such a way that the rights of the other are violated in the process. It is an attempt to humiliate or put down the other person. Individuals who are chronically depressed frequently have difficulty in practicing assertive behavior. They have what is often called the “Charlie Brown Syndrome” where they feel they are always letting others “walk over them.”
Non-assertive people let things build up until some trivial event occurs which, like the straw that broke the camel’s back, causes them to react in an extremely aggressive and inappropriate fashion. They are like a pressure cooker that finally blows from too much heat, and from little opportunity for the pressure to escape.
Learning how to communicate one’s feelings in an appropriate and psychologically healthy manner is a skill that takes practice. Sally could have simply told her boss that staying after work to finish projects handed to her shortly before closing time interfered with her schedule, and caused her a lot of stress. Most caring and mature employers would not have been offended by this straightforward statement. By letting her resentment build up, Sally accomplished very little, and her employer didn’t understand the problem he was creating.
John should simply have indicated to the clerk that he had been there first, was in a hurry, and needed to be back to work on time. Stated in a clear, concise and unemotional fashion, the point could have been made without causing any hard feelings.
Many good books are written on the subject of being assertive, and numerous courses on this topic are offered at junior colleges and community agencies. Learning how to communicate effectively can help avoid stress and avoid more serious problems.
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1984
When Sally told her husband of the problem, he said, “Just let the old so and so have it. He’s just trying to take advantage of you, and you need to tell him off.” Sally really didn’t believe that this was the right approach, but she didn’t know exactly what she would say to her boss. So, she said nothing. The result was that she steadily became more and more angry and began to resent the whole job.
John was having a problem too. He went to the store during his lunch hour to purchase an item. He knew exactly what he needed, found it quickly, and went to the department with money in hand. A clerk was waiting on another customer and John had to wait. As the minutes ticked off he became aware that he was going to be late for work if the clerk didn’t wait on him very soon. When the clerk finished with the customers, John breathed a sigh of relief. When the clerk approached him, however, another customer had arrived. Perhaps the clerk though they had both been there all the time, and waited on the other customer. John stood there fuming and thinking to himself, “I was here first, I’m in a hurry and have been waiting several minutes. Why didn’t the clerk notice this and wait on me first?” His anger steadily built until he finally put the wanted item down and hurried away, his anger now having reached explosive proportions.
These situations produce what psychologists call “ordinary anger.” John and Sally’s reluctance to cope with the situation by stating how they felt in an appropriate fashion caused them to feel angry. When this anger occurs in a variety of situations day after day it gradually builds up and begins to take the form of depression. When we become frustrated for not asserting ourselves in an appropriate fashion, then frustration and resulting anger turns inward on ourselves, taking the form of depression.
Assertive behavior is standing up for one’s self in such a way that one does not violate the basic rights of another person. It’s a direct, honest and appropriate expression of one’s feelings and opinions. Non-assertive behavior, on the other hand, is failing to stand up for one’s self, or standing up for one’s self in such an ineffective manner that one’s rights are easily violated. The opposite extreme of being nonassertive is being aggressive.
Aggression is characterized by standing up for one’s self in such a way that the rights of the other are violated in the process. It is an attempt to humiliate or put down the other person. Individuals who are chronically depressed frequently have difficulty in practicing assertive behavior. They have what is often called the “Charlie Brown Syndrome” where they feel they are always letting others “walk over them.”
Non-assertive people let things build up until some trivial event occurs which, like the straw that broke the camel’s back, causes them to react in an extremely aggressive and inappropriate fashion. They are like a pressure cooker that finally blows from too much heat, and from little opportunity for the pressure to escape.
Learning how to communicate one’s feelings in an appropriate and psychologically healthy manner is a skill that takes practice. Sally could have simply told her boss that staying after work to finish projects handed to her shortly before closing time interfered with her schedule, and caused her a lot of stress. Most caring and mature employers would not have been offended by this straightforward statement. By letting her resentment build up, Sally accomplished very little, and her employer didn’t understand the problem he was creating.
John should simply have indicated to the clerk that he had been there first, was in a hurry, and needed to be back to work on time. Stated in a clear, concise and unemotional fashion, the point could have been made without causing any hard feelings.
Many good books are written on the subject of being assertive, and numerous courses on this topic are offered at junior colleges and community agencies. Learning how to communicate effectively can help avoid stress and avoid more serious problems.
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1984